Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
