Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
