Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
