you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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