he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
