every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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