Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
