look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
