she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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