her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
