So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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