i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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