She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
