So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
