My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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