my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
