70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
