Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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