I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it's like iHOP with fire
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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