I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
