I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he told me I talked like a deaf person
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
