I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
