just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I need moral support for this bender
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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