I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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