apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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