Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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