I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize