when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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