I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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