If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
