She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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