i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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