Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
