have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
