didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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