I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
