when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
