I will die if light touches me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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