Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
