college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
