not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
