so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He shit in the fireplace
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
