theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
