And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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