how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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