think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
