Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
