I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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