im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
