People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
