My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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