My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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