Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
