I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
