She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
