Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
