guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
