two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
