FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
